Murder, Rape, Sausage...Had To Happen In Cleveland

I think we can officially declare Cleveland the nation's capital for the rape, murder and subsequent relationship of the two with sausage. And it's all thanks to one special guy, Anthony Sowell, who captured and killed no fewer than 11 women, who he had hidden in his basement or buried around his property, all while convincing his (functionally retarded?) girlfriend that the smell from the rotting bodies was all due to the sausage factory next door. Ray's Sausage, which formerly sold it's pork casings under the slogan, "Ray's - The Sausage That Doesn't Smell Like Rotting Rape Victims," was forced to change it's marketing materials. From Yahoo News:

Police have unearthed the remains of 11 women in and around the house where Lori Frazier lived with Anthony Sowell, who was indicted Monday in the case that led to the discoveries of the bodies.

"I just wondered why, why would he do this," Frazier told WOIO television news. "He took care of me, good care of me, and I never thought no bodies were in the house."

Frazier, the niece of Cleveland's mayor, told the station that she began her relationship with Sowell a few weeks after he was released from prison in 2005 after serving 15 years for attempted rape.

Ah, she is of the Cleveland aristocracy I see! It all makes sense.

Remind me later to get a summer home next to a slaughterhouse...I've got "beef" with a lot of people, if you know what I mean...

SOURCE

A New Tardville Feature: The Ongoing Sitcom

I've decided to go ahead and write an ongoing sitcom in this space, with at least 1 mini-episode per week. As of right now I have no idea what the characters, plot, duration, level of sophistication or amount of textulated nudity will be. This is mostly due to me not wanting to give away all of my good ideas for free. However, I'll figure something out, and entertain you all.

I'll continue to post random articles as well, but until I get my goddamn Final Draft up and running again on my new mac (I can't find my installation CD anywhere and REALLY don't want to spend $270 to get a new one), this will be my outlet. My loss is your gain.

DCMS

It's Now A Scientific Fact: If You Own An iPhone, You're a Douchebag

This awesome study that the Huffington Post put up officially confirms what everyone has been thinking and (for some of us) saying for quite some time. If you own an iPhone, you are a douche. Retrevo did a study, and the results don't paint a pretty picture for the technophiles who literally hold their iPhones in their hand while jerking off. Some of the wonderful exerpts:

Retrevo asked, "What makes a person most attractive to you?" iPhone owners preferred cool gadgets over a college degree three to one.

One in three iPhone owners has texted or emailed their significant other to break up.

One in three iPhone owners say that, if their partner had out-of-date gadgets, it would be a turnoff. The study also noted that, "Compared with other cell phone users, iPhone owners are more likely to see themselves as media buffs, extroverts, and intellectuals," with 40% of iPhone users claiming to be "intellectual," and only 36% of Blackberry users saying the same.

That's an open and shut case, I'm afraid. Too bad there isn't an app for becoming less of an insufferable, self-centered ass...though I'm sure Steve Jobs will get on top of that right after he finishes reading the latest fanboy article on how amazing he is.

Thanks to Erin for the link.

SOURCE

A Rod Celebrates The Big Win

NOTE TO SELF: In SC Sex With a Horse ONCE is OK, Twice is a No-No

So, funny story related to this news story from THE SOUTH (naturally). While I was at school up at Penn State (Main Campus, goddammit) I was suspended for rioting (bullshit charge) and worked at Hooters for a semester-plus. This was of course awesome, for reasons that I won't go into, but you know what I'm getting at. There was this guy who worked with me who hailed from the bumpkin-esque outskirts of the town, called Boalsburgh. Now this guy was nice enough, and we chatted often. One day the top news in town was that someone had been arrested for fucking a horse in said town. So he comes in that day and comes up to me and says, "Hey you know that guy who got arrested for fucking that horse? My best friend called me up this morning, and it turns out it was his DAD!" That's a bad one. Anyway, maybe that guy moved to South Carolina, where if you fuck a horse once, shame on you, but you fuck a horse twice, shame on...well also you, plus you go to jail for 3 years.

A South Carolina man caught on video having sex with a horse was sentenced Wednesday to three years in prison after pleading guilty for the second time in two years to abusing the creature.

Rodell Vereen was arrested in July after Barbara Kenley caught him entering the barn at Lazy B Stables in Longs, about 20 miles northeast of Myrtle Beach. She had been staking out the stable for more than a week after setting up a surveillance camera and videotaping Vereen's assault on her 21-year-old horse named Sugar.

OK, let's all be honest, if you're going to fuck a horse, it might as well be named after a stripper.

It wasn't the first time she'd caught Vereen. In late 2007, Kenley found him asleep in the hay after assaulting her horse. For that offense, he also pleaded guilty to buggery, received probation and had to register as a sex offender.

Hahaha - that is one smooth criminal. It's almost adorable, like something out of a fairy tale! It's Rumpelstiltskin but with more horse fucking! Someone call Penguin Books, because I've got their next "Harry Potter."

SOURCE

5 Reasons Why The Phillies Will Win The World Series (STILL)

OK...I know the Phils are down 3-1 after Brad (fucking) Lidge blew another game, giving up 3 runs after being one out away from giving our boys a chance to have a walkoff win. But...I still have phaith in the Phils to pull this thing out. Why, you ask? Several reasons:

1. I've been drinking for nigh on 8 days straight and I'm delusional.

2. Howard HAS to wake the fuck up and start making contact. He's too good not to, and it's going to click. It may not happen this game, but rest assured it will happen for the next. We won't need it tonight with Lee on the mound.

3. Last night was the second game in a row with some lucky/fluke bullshit. The A-Rod "home run" that would definitely have hit the fence, short, if not for a camera that EXTENDED OVER THE FENCE, plus the ri-goddamn-diculous Damon "ghost man on 3rd" play from last night will karmatically even out in the Phillies favor.

4. Centaur A-Rod. Have you heard? A-Rod has not one but TWO pictures of himself (painted portraits) as a centaur. One is above his bed. You sure know how to pick em', Kate Hudson. Centaurgate will fuck with his mind and put him right back into choke-rod mode. Pic Source

5. Charlie Manuel's chin band-aid. The band-aid obviously was hiding some surgery that he had to install a secret laser, which upon command, can blind opposing players. Shine on, Charlie!

PHILLIES in 7!!!

Hungover, But Here Are Some Plants You Can Fuck Tonight When The Sexy Mummy Turns You Down

Hey! So I'm pretty blasted today, after watching the Phils lose a tough one (and give Pedro no fucking run support AGAIN) last night. But I keep you, sweet readers, in mind. Knowing that most of you are probably ugly, fat and shy, I'd like to offer you this brief list of plants that you can fuck tonight after seeing oodles of hot, sluttily dressed girls that you can't roofie enough to bring back to your studio apartment. Enjoy pollinating that pistil, Tiger.

1. Hydnora africana, a flesh-colored, parasitic flower. The putrid-smelling blossom attracts herds of carrion beetles. Soooo, not only does it look like a snatch and smell like a snatch, but it also has crabs! Huzzah! It's like you're in Bangkok all over again!




2. Dracunculus vulgaris: smells like rotting flesh, and has a burgundy-colored, leaf-like flower that projects a slender, black appendage. Awwww yeah, baby. Take a seat on the black cock express. Next stop: ecstasy! For you that is. I don't swing that way.





3. Aphiopedilum are the pouch flowering orchids native to areas of Asia and the Pacific Ocean. Orchid enthusiasts call them Paphs for short. They are also known as Lady Slippers. Hello foot fetishists, this is the flower for you.



4. Dicentra formosa is a common native West Coast flowering plant found from Canada, south through California. Who likes floppy roast beef pussy?





5. Nepenthis ventricosa - A pitcher plant from the Philippines. The pitchers are numerous, growing up to 9 inches tall, pale green or streaked with red, or red in some cultivars. Who wants to deep throat? Just lookit them purdy lips.






6. Nepenthes sanguinea, this is a Genting Highlands form, which tends to be more compact in growth. And finally, for those of you who enjoy anal.

Have fun tonight!

CHOOCH TO THE FUTURE!

I have discovered just how Cliff Lee was able to utterly DOMINATE the hapless NY Yankees last night...Carlos Ruiz, and his chest flux capacitor is....CHOOCH...TO THE FUTURE!

(yeah I know the photoshop could use work, but mine is all sorts of crapped out and I'm not about to buy a new one)

Great win for the Phils last night. Fuck the Yankees.