Nerds Bested by Drunken Darth Vader

My own personal religion is The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, however if I had a second religion it would be Jedi, hands down (apparently 7% of the population in the UK listed Jedi as their primary). However, much like that other made up religion, Christianity, has it's Satan, so doth Jedism have its Darth Vader. And apparently he is both drunk and awesome.

From MSNBC:

A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones — aka Master Jonba Hehol — with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.

Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon box of wine beforehand.

I would like to think that this man would be heralded as a hero in prison. I once assaulted 2 young men with funny names one time, though it was accidental. Who knew prostitutes in Thailand looked so good in drag? It's not like I speak that jibber jabber language of theirs to know. It was all "blee fong who ti wa blowjobo" and I was all "yes." I know, thrilling story.

Thanks to Carey

PS - This reminds me of a real-life version of the Futurama where Star Trek is banned after it becomes a religion. they kill all the Trekkies.

MSNBC

Jesus Christ Monkeyballs

I am more than hungover today. It's some sort of mutant superhangover bred from the pits of despair deep in the belly of my soul, come to suck the life out of me. I do have the best story ever though in the hopper. So come on back and check it out this afternoon when I can think again.

DCMS

Happy Time with Pudding

Since it's a busy day, here is one of my favorite skits of all time from the magnificent and widely unknown comedy show from the hayday of MTV, The State. That's a whole lotta puddin...

Tori Spelling is Back in 90210

Wow, talk about coming full circle... Tori Spelling, who launched her career off her daddy's show, will be returning to the remake in the same role. There is no report on whether or not she dug up Aaron Spelling's body, Weekend at Bernie's-d it into the producers office and performed some ventriloquism act to get the part, but I'm going to err on the side of caution and say that it happened.

Via Deadline Hollywood

Someone Slap These Bitches

A Kardashian PSA on Burma? REALLY? What a mockery of a tragic situation. This might be the worst written, conceived and produced idea that has ever been shat out of some marketing asshole's brain. Someone needs to slap these whores until they fall to the floor and promise never, ever to do anything like this again. Then there is a pause, and even more vicious slapping. I'd like to put them through a cattle sluicer.

Hit The Treadmill, Fatty!

Facebook in Real Life

Sorry for the lack of posts yesterday - it was KEEERAZY. Also, Blogger is being a sloppy cunt today so posting is very difficult. So, stay tuned.



Thanks to Jason for the vid

Emaciated Somalian Baby or Amy Winehouse?

I can't even look at Amy Winehouse without having at least part of my breakfast (whiskey and day old pizza crust) wash back up my throat. This maybe the ugliest woman that has ever graced this earth, and that's saying a lot, because no one has put a stake through the heart of Kirsten Dunst yet, despite my reward money and a nicely penned letter to Dawg the Bounty Hunter.

If you dunked her in chocolate and put a bag over her head you would totally think she was one of those belly out, super skinny Somalian kids, even down to the headdress and diaper. Don't lie, you would. Why I even made this illustration to show you (click for higher res):




YOU DECIDE!

UUUUUGH. Plus, Greasy Vent Bandits (no that's not a new term for a vagina)

I'm still in the midst of dealing with some client crisis, so I don't know how much time I'll have in the next few days. In the meantime, take a look at this retard who got stuck in a vent above a fryer and grill - when they pulled him out he was all greasy and bleeding. The only good thing for the would-be-burgular is that his asshole has already been pre-lubed for prison and he's already got a head start on the bleeding. BTW it happened in Jacksonville, FL., where 70% of the population has velcro shoes.

Via some FL news outlet

STEREOTYPE SCIENCE! Study Shows Black Kids Really Can't Swim

Well, not exactly, but close! USA Swimming conducted a study to see just how true those stereotypes about black people not being able to swim were, and shockingly (SHOCKINGLY!) they were true! From the AP:

As part of the initiative, USA Swimming commissioned an ambitious study recently completed by five experts at the University of Memphis' Department of Health and Sports Sciences. They surveyed 1,772 children aged 6 to 16 in six cities — two-thirds of them black or Hispanic — to gauge what factors contributed most to the minority swimming gap.

The study found that 31 percent of the white respondents could not swim safely, compared to 58 percent of the blacks. The non-swimming rate for Hispanic children was almost as high — 56 percent — although more than twice as many Hispanics as blacks are now USA Swimming members.

The University of Memphis, huh? Hrm...people in Tennessee aren't even remotely racist, so this study is probably 100% accurate. Why, I'm sure they didn't stray from the scientific method, which in this case most likely involved a man named Cletus, the General Lee and a lot of driving around yelling "Hey Darkie, you swim?" Ah....SCIENCE!

We all know that the Hispanics that could swim came from Cuba, and the ones that can't come from Mexico. I don't need no lab jacket for that!

Furthering the hilarity was this history lesson:

The minority swimming gap has deep roots in America's racial history. For decades during the 20th century, many pools were segregated, and relatively few were built to serve black communities.

John Cruzat, USA Swimming's diversity specialist, said these inequalities were compounded by a widespread misperception — fueled by flawed academic studies — that blacks' swimming ability was compromised by an innate deficit of buoyancy.

Deficit of buoyancy! Classic.

Anyway, the first black US Olympic swimmer that I know of (but I'm too lazy to check) is trying for a freestyle swimming medal in the Beijing Olympics, and USA Swimming hopes that a win will inspire more minorities to take to the water. I, personally, am all for it, but mostly because Sharks attack shapes that look like the dark colored seals, and black people and Hispanics fit that bill a hell of a lot more than I do.

Via AP and tipster John